It is perfectly ok to be single.

24, Feb, 2012, by Seema Bhatnagar

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.-Robert Frost

Each one of us wants to feel loved and cared for, and this exciting feeling exists since our childhood and continue to grow with us. Valentine day is a day to celebrate love with the ones who joined us a bit later in our lives. It is celebrated all over the world with lots of excitement and gusto and nowadays, it is even celebrated in societies where the tradition of expressing love used to be very subtle. For this year, Valentine day has just passed recently and many of you must have celebrated it with your loved ones and many of you probably be waiting to meet your future valentine.

two hearts

A Rosy Picture of Love

This society and media have created a very rosy picture of love and relationship and they message it very loud that to enjoy a happy life you must be paired or in love with somebody. The complete happiness is only possible if you are attached to somebody and gifting each other costly gifts. People who are in love or in some kind of relationship are in mad race to gift each other the costly gifts just to prove that they are truly in love.
In such a scenario where the society puts immense pressure and importance to get attached to somebody, imagine the life of an individual who is single and unattached, here single means anybody who has lost his/her partner, broken-up from last relationship, divorced or anybody who has consciously embraced the singlehood status.


A view of society

Our society has established and strengthened the idea that being single means incomplete. The desire of getting a partner starts at a very early age when parents and relatives talks about happy marriages at home. At a tender age, an idea of getting the ideal life partner gets implanted and kids' thinks that being single is not good and there must be a partner to get well accepted in society.
There are certain societies where the singlehood is looked down upon and singles are not accepted respectfully in society. In Indian society, where I live (born and brought up also), singlehood is not very well accepted. Singles are considered in waiting for marriage even if they have consciously decided to remain as single. Single females are not encouraged to travel alone, cannot stay alone and are not treated at par with married people during marriage rituals. They are considered as a responsibility of family and remain so (irrespective of age) until they are settled with partner. Basically, singles are not treated as complete individuals until they are married. This notion has become so strong that people are conditioned to think in that way only. I have met many well educated youths of different nationalities and they also feel incomplete as single and many of them beat themselves up for not having any partner. I have lots of single friends who are desperately searching for life partner or simply want to get into relationship.
All over the world, the society, media and familial pressure is so strong that it emotionally compels people to start their hunt for finding a love or to get attached to somebody. Unfortunately, out of this desperation instead of getting the right partner they land up having incompatible matches or establish suboptimal relationships and many such relationships, marriages end up soon and both individuals go through lot of emotional pains of separation and divorce.

Are you a happy as single?

If you are thinking of your own comfort level about being single then try to answer following questions:
  1. Do you feel depressed with a thought of living the rest of your life on your own without any relationship or partner?
  2. Do you think, you are a loser because you do not have a partner and are not attached to anybody?
  3. Do you feel jealous of your friends who are happily married?
  4. Do you feel that you constantly need somebody to make you feel good about yourself?
  5. Do you feel that you will buy XYZ thing or will visit the XYZ country only when you will have a partner?
A "yes" to above questions indicates that you have a deep desire to have a partner and have problems accepting yourself as a single person.

You are complete as a Single

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." - Jo Courdert

If you are also a single and desperately searching a partner to feel complete then please slow down. Think for a moment that being a single person is not so bad and it is only that you have given in to an external peer pressure of getting into relationship. If you had a break-up then try to accept the fact that it has happened for good because such a sour relationship, where both the partners are not enjoying, had to come to an end anyway, sooner or later, so it is better that it is over and please do not think that you are loser, it is simply that you need a better and more understanding relationship.
You are complete already and you have all those qualities which can make you feel complete right now; it is only that you have not discovered them so far. Identify those qualities which you seek in your partner to feel complete and understand what is preventing you from developing those qualities in you. Learn to love and accept yourself with your flaws and understand your true nature. If you learn to be happy with yourself, you can bring more joy and happiness to your relationships. If you enter into a relationship where your partner completely depends on you emotionally, then at one point your relationship will become a burden for you and really, nobody likes a burden in relationship, in fact, not even you, would you?

If you are single, eliminate the thought that something is lacking, and just live each day joyfully.- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Feel yourself complete, define your goals for life, career and health and think where exactly you want to reach in life or what do you want to achieve in life. If you want to travel and live in some XYZ country, you want to buy some couple gifts, or simply want to see some particular place then please go ahead and plan, why to put your life on hold when you are complete right now as an individual. Since you have no control on future then why to put your decisions on hold, there is absolutely no reason of pushing your happiness in some XX point in future.

How to enjoy as a single?

Enjoy and celebrate your singlehood in every possible way without thinking that you are incomplete. It is only a conditioning given by society and media. Stop believing in the idea that married or attached people are the happiest people around, what matter most is fulfilling and healthy relationships. Once you understand core aspects of your individuality, you will be happier in life without feeling any fear of loneliness or without feeling the need of having partner. In fact, if you know yourself better, you will be able to make better choices about choosing your life partner.
Following are some tips for how to enjoy as a single:

  1. Think of finding your life purpose to live a more meaningful life than depending on somebody else for emotional wellness.
  2. Enhance your activities which gives you maximum joy and happiness. Figure out those and immerse yourself in them.
  3. Read inspirational books, blogs, articles for personal development and growth.
  4. Make lots of friends of all ages and find like minded people around, who share your thinking even if they are married. Do not limit yourself to only few friends and be open to views and thoughts from different people.
  5. Write your personal journal to write your feelings if you do not find any friend to share your feelings.
  6. If you have a fear of staying alone, you can think of shifting to shared accommodation.
  7. Develop your personal interests and hobbies and join some club to meet like minded people. With internet available, you can join some online forums to exchange ideas and thoughts.
  8. Write your dreams and desires and work towards accomplishing those.
  9. If your budget allows, travel around the world and get exposure of different cultures and people.
  10. Do not think about your negative past and try to bring more positivity in life in every possible way. Keep yourself fit and enjoy a healthy food.
Remember, marriage or relationship is not a solution to any emotional problem rather it is a commitment between two individuals to share their lives in their own space.

Advantages of being Single

Many single people fail to appreciate the advantages one can enjoy as a single. There are many advantages of being a single:

  1. You are a king/queen of your kingdom/queendom. You may set your own rules and laws to live your life and there is no need to get approval from your partner if this law or rule to be followed or implemented at home.
  2. There is nobody to question you for your decisions, which means you will take more responsible decisions, as finally, you only will have to bear the brunt of your wrong decisions.
  3. You can decorate your home as per your taste without worrying about if your partner will like the specific colour or arrangement. You have all the liberty to choose and enjoy.
  4. Your life is not completely around your spouse and kids. You will have more time to socialize with your friends and other close family members.
  5. If you are single with kid, then you do not have to worry if your partner will like you to give such and such habit to kids. You can discipline your child as per your thinking and values without any conflicts.
  6. You have more time to pursue your personal interest and hobbies, you can immerse yourself in your interests and can pursue some hobbies to enjoy more personal growth.
  7. You can travel alone as per your convenience and schedule. You do not have to search for the right time to plan your vacations and it is only you, who has to check his/her calendar.
  8. You do not have to worry about impressing somebody by wearing clothes or may be by giving costly gifts.

My Personal Experience

Just last month I celebrated my 40th birthday, I am never married and single by choice and have never been into any serious relationship in the past. Since my childhood, my home environment was more about study and career accomplishments, my father, who passed away some 10 years back, was lenient about all homely matters but my mother is very particular about studies and career. She made me understand that I must focus on studies and building my career rather than getting distracted and get into any relationship. This became my personal belief system too and I adapted to it very well, which helped me a lot and because of this only, I could achieve all milestones of my career. Thanks to my mother for setting the environment just right. I have enjoyed long years of my previous career as a software professional and accomplished several key milestones and while on the way I got exposure and experience about life.
Since my adult age (18 years) I took all my decisions myself and never ever felt the need of anybody alongside. Have travelled and stayed in many countries all alone while in job. Have many friends married, unmarried, males and females and at home, am surrounded with my close family members which includes elders, younger's and kids and I enjoy everybody's company. I have many personal interests and hobbies which keep me occupied for most of my time. I really enjoy being myself and consider myself as my best friend. My vision of life is to live the best of my potential and to attain the happiest possible life be it as single or in relationship. I extend my gratitude for whatever life has given me.

Many of my friends find it very strange that I can be happy being myself. My mother and other elder three siblings are worried about my single status and they want me to see married as early as possible as I have already crossed the conventional marriageable age. In past, I had met many guys from matrimonial perspective but somehow nothing clicked as I am very upfront and clear of what I expect from marriage, which probably intimidated them as such openness is not expected from a traditional Indian girl :-)

Being a single does not raise any issue in my mind but sometimes it is tough answering questions to people who ask me about my old age care and other social security aspects which come bundled with marriage. Honestly, I have no concrete answers for such questions. The answer to these questions lies in the future and truly speaking I have absolutely no idea about what future holds for me but I am a very a confident and optimistic individual and holds positive view of life. Being a courageous and independent person, I strongly believe that I can face any challenge of life and will be able to cross any bridge when it will come.
I am perfectly ok and comfortable as a single but this does not mean that personally I am anti-relationship and hate people who are married or attached to somebody but it is only that I am not at all desperate about having a life partner. In fact, I am a true blue romantic at heart and enjoy watching romantic movies, shows and reading romantic novels. It is only that I am simply more conscious in making choices especially when it comes to relationships.
I am open to having a relationship which could give me an opportunity to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My idea of marriage is to have a highly evolved relationship where two individuals grows together to achieve their personal best in life without losing their individuality. If I come across an individual who is living a conscious life and possessing similar thinking, I would love to have a relationship with such a person.

It is your life

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”-Confucius

Life never feels complete until you try to feel it so. Do not complicate your life, consider your singlehood as a perfect gift to yourself to bring personal growth. There is absolutely no dearth of people who are ready to fall in relationship but what you want is a conscious relationship which would be long lasting, more fulfilling and growth oriented.
Enjoy and celebrate your singlehood. Wishing you a happy life ahead.

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image©peregrine blue
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cheers
Seema



                
Seema Bhatnagar
, Blogger, Writer, Life Coach and Founder of Abundance Thinkers, site for personal growth and development. Empowering people in achieving and living the best of personal potential.

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